Silver Lining

About two months or so ago I watched a series (Dr. House) and something happened in an episode (I don't remember which one and what exactly), that made me cry. For some reason it had reminded me of my childhood and my mother.

After a short blubber I went to my bedroom, sat on my bed and cried some more. A lot of stuff went through my head and a scene from another series (The Big Bang Theory) came into my mind. In that episode Leonard forgave his mother.
When I had watched it, I thought that I should try and forgive my mother too, but couldn't at the time.
Honestly, I thought I could never do that.

Well, that evening sitting on my bed, with tears rolling done my face, I forgave my mother for all the stuff she had done. I said it out loud several times, as if it wasn't enough just thinking it or saying it only once.
I could feel some weight lifted of my chest, actually not a big one, but just noticeable.

However, I could whiteness a few weeks later the effect of that moment, when I suddenly realised I hadn't been angry or feeling down for a while.
Normally I do have ever so often a day, that is not so good. Nothing severe, but enough for me to make me feel down a little.
My angry fits had been mostly gone in the past months, but occasionally I would still get angry over something silly.

Since that evening, I haven't had one of those fits nor did I get overly annoyed because of something silly (like dropping something several times) had happened. Now, I mainly just laugh or smile to myself..

I always knew that without forgivingness you cannot heal or grow as a human being. Just sometimes it is so hard to do and takes so f****** long, that you think it will never happen.

As always, there are many things intertwined with each other. If I hadn't had the will to forgive her in the first place, it would never have worked. The same goes for all the pain I went through and the work I had to put in (therapy, reading, reflecting, etc.).
Without all that, it wouldn't have worked either.

However, after forty years of carrying that shit around with me, three years (probably a lot more) of depression, eighteen months of therapy and all those other things, I managed to do this.

So, I guess there is a 'Silver Lining' to things after all!