The fear of being happy

Recently I started to watch a series, and as it sometimes happens, something we see, hear, smell or feel can set off thoughts and emotions.

It can be about small or big things, stuff we haven't thought of for a while, or things we didn't want to think about.
This particular scene made me think about my life and how I live it.

For some time now, I have ever so often had this thought (maybe a tiny bit of midlife crisis creeping in too) which I think is normal, when you’re reflecting and trying to improve yourself.
In general I'm quite happy with my life, but there is always room for improvement. Unfortunately, the answer(s) sometimes can be tricky and not as straight forward as we hope.
So, honesty to oneself is key here!

However, when I watch on of the episodes, I had a small epiphany.
There is a little bit in me that likes being depressed. Apart from being an excuse for staying in and not doing anything that is worth doing, it kind of makes me feel like that guy in one of those movies; the typical loner without any friends, mostly depressed, but in the end he gets the girl anyway and the live happy ever after.
But this is life and not a movie, and there is no girl insight!

Here is the kicker. Not seldom I have negative thoughts coming into my head, when I'm in a good mood. Like if I’m trying to make myself unhappy. Stupid right!?
So, I asked myself why that is happening because I want and like to be happy. But this, as so often, isn't the full story. In a way there is a kind of fear in me, a fear to be happy.

It's so much easier to be closed off, not having a social life and just sitting at home doing fuck all. You can always find stuff to do because thanks to the internet, there is always silly stuff to be read or watched.
I can only guess that is a similar situation when a prisoner is getting released after a long time and might feel afraid of having to live by himself without a routine.
You can also see this kind of fear in people who have been a long time in the army and having to live a civil life again. It can make you sick to your stomach.

Anyway, a good friend told me trick to deal with these thoughts quite a while ago and I used it ever since. You give those negative thoughts a name. It sounds silly, but that way you can compartmentalise these thoughts from the rest. I named mine Adolf (because I hate him and what he stand/stood for).
When I first thought about a name it made me juckle, but it fits so well because I hate those negative thoughts too.
It's really a big help when dealing with negative thoughts and sometimes, with some exercise, you can 'kill' them right when they appear.
But this is only fighting the symptom and not the actual problem!

So, I investigated for quite some time where they might come from. It's not, that I think about this all the time. Actually, I often don't think about that kind of stuff, it's only in certain moments I can work on my problems. Often just before I want to go to bed and then ending up writing blog posts, like this one.
My time in therapy was very good for that because it made me focus on the problem at hand and there is nothing to take your mind of it. It also helps a lot if you can speak to an outsider who knows what he/she is doing!

One last thing, it's said that all aggression etc. comes from fear. This fear must not be rational and can look quite silly to others. But it is still fear.

So, I have to find out where those negative thoughts are coming from, what I'm afraid of and then work on them.
That'll be fun for sure...