Depression

Since there are still many people around who either know nothing or not enough about depressions, I thought I write down my own story.
I'm not sure if anybody reads this, but if just one person does and finds it helpful, then it was worth it.

But before I do, let me emphasis that I'm not a doctor or psychotherapist!
It's just my journey, what I've done and learned.

A while back I had my teeth professionally cleaned, and as usually we talked before, during and after the cleaning. She is quite open and chatty, and so am I.

The last time we talked about our alcoholic parents, and this time she started by saying that she was worried about a friend who was currently residing at a special hospital and treated for her depression.

While she was telling me this story, I noticed that she had no or little knowledge of this illness. She said things like: "People just have to talk about it" and "How come you don't notice it?".

What my *tooth fairy* didn't know and found hard to understand is the fact that it's often impossible to talk to friends or even your partner about it. In my case, I just didn't have the mental strength to do so. Basically, your brain needs to rest, but I'll come later to that.
Most people have had minutes or a few hours when they found it hard to think and concentrate for what ever reason. Well, it's a bit like that, it's just lasting a lot longer. A lot longer!

For me, it all began in my childhood (like it in many cases does), and the things that happened there. It didn't help that I'm quite sensitive, and so those experiences went deeper than they should have.
I can remember when that change happened, I was about 10 years old when I started to get quiet, and didn't want to go out any more. Most of the time I spend time in my room, listen to music or staring at the ceiling.
My parents didn't really do anything to help, because they didn't really care. My sister and I were usually left to our own device. Nobody helped with school stuff and nobody stood up for me, when I was in trouble or getting picked on, which happened a lot.
As a younger child, I had always been out and about, and quite often came back home too late for my parents taste. But nobody picked up on that change.

My depression didn't stick with me all the time, but the time from 10 to 16 years of age was a very lonely time. I, subconsciously, really missed my friends and hanging out with them, but at the same time I felt like an outsider and unwanted. They tried to get me out, but I refused because I felt so weird and down most of the time.

Then times changed, I mostly enjoyed my time as an apprentice and I have some fond memories of that part of my life.
After my apprenticeship had finished, I worked for a while for the same company, but things didn't go as I wanted. So, I joined the Army, and not only gave it me a new home, it also gave me the best time of my life.
Most of my 8,5 years, I served in beautiful south-west Wales in the UK. Camp Merrion, the surrounding places and landscape became my home for almost 7 years.
There is where I met some of my now oldest friends, and there is where I got married with only 22 years of age. I guess I wanted to create the family I never had.
The relationship lasted 15 years, and after the divorce we managed to stay friends.
Well, that is a different story.

1994 wasn't a very good year for us, first my wife's mother died and then on the 11th of June my father killed himself. I will not go into detail here either, but I blamed myself over 12 years for his death.
It wasn't of course my fault, but it took me a very long time to see and accept it.
This was, what had given me a real smackdown and I didn't come to terms with it, until I started therapy in 2021.
But, I'm jumping ahead of myself here.

After my marriage was over I was quite a while on my own, because I needed to heal, and being such a sensitive man, I need more time than others.

My last relationship ended with a bang, when she confessed that she had betrayed me with, what I thought at the time, a friend, and colleague. Well, I know better now.

This was sending me to a dark place. So dark, that some of my friends were even worried about me.
This breakup took me even longer to get over. Partly because I still saw him every day, and even after changing the department in 2014, I still had occasionally to work with him and still do.

Now it's all good because at some time I realised how lucky I was that it happened. It taught me a valuable lesson. To always listen to my gut feeling!
Also, I was never really happy with her.

Changing the department helped, but it also brought more stress my way than I could handle. I thought it might be burnout, but I knew that it didn't really fit the description, and I'm not a workaholic.

In 2018, I decided to take a timeout of 4,5 months and travel with my motorbike to Mongolia. I met three other guys through the internet and after a short meeting, off we went.
One hell of a trip (3,5 months and almost 28.000Km), but it wasn't as good as t could have been, because I was still too stressed and depressed to enjoy myself.
I still had no idea in how much trouble I was.

After I got back I felt relaxed and calm, but at the end of 2018 all the stuff I hadn't processed came back to bite me, and I fell into a deep depression.
To this day, I can not remember what I did in the first three months of 2019.
All I do remember is me sitting in my chair watching movies and videos on YT.
I know, I must have gone to work, shopping and so on, but I just don't remember.
Of course most people can't remember what happened that long ago, but usually there are moments you can remember, but I can't.

A friend of mine had told me some years before that if you have mental issues, your brain needs to rest so it can heal, just like any other organ in our body.
Well, that is what I did. I tried to do as little as possible, not that I had the energy or the concentration to do more anyway.
I must have been a bad colleague because I hardly worked. Not that I was too lazy, I just couldn't concentrate long enough to read even an effing paragraph.

It took me about six months of rest to get a little better. By then, there were occasionally hours when I had enough strength to try to find out what was wrong.
That was of course after trying to work for eight hours.

When in 2020 C19 hit the world, it was a blessing for me. I didn't need to go into work, and I wasn't aloud to go out.
So, this virus that brought a lot of suffering to all of us, helped me in the darkest time of my life so far.
I know that many people tied and still have problems with this virus, and I'm truly sorry about that, but as all things in life, depends on your point of view.

It sounds like a long time, and maybe it was, but most of the time I just tried to take my mind off it.

If it hadn't been for that one evening when I was searching on YouTube stuff from Thorsten Sträter to take my mind off things, and hadn't stumbled onto his video with Kurt Krömer, I would have needed even longer.
While watching this video, it suddenly made click in my head. I'm depressed!
I have to thank both of them to talk so openly about this!

So, I finally knew what I had.
Silly me thought at the time it had to do with my current situation, but boy was I wrong.

As I was getting better I managed to talk to a friend, and he told me about a few books he found helpful in his own situation.
They helped, and then another friend told me abut other books he found to be good.
(All the books are listed on my site)
They all helped me, but it took me a long time to read them because I still had problems concentrating, and some books (Erich Fromm) are not something you read on a weekend.

After C19 eased off, I started to look for a therapist, and a friend of mine told me about his one. She had helped him, and he spoke very highly about her.

After 18 months of therapy (ended in April 2023), I see not only my parents in a different light, but also myself. Even though I wrote above that they didn't care, and I can't say for sure, but maybe it was their way of trying to raise us to be independent.

I have accepted that I'm a very sensitive person, though I still struggle with it at times, to be honest.
So, for me, my journey has only just begun, and silly me thought with 54 there wasn't so much more to discover about myself. That's life for you.
Well, I guess the journey never ends!

Afterthoughts

Looking back at things, I probably started earlier to notice that I had an issue, but it is very difficult to see out of a deep hole, when you're fallen into it.
Even when you know you have a problem, you still need to figure out what it is.

At the beginning, most people will shrug it off, believing that they're just having a bad day or two. But when it stays for longer, and you don't give it more attention, it can become slowly your new reality.
When that happens, like with me, you're in deep shit!

That's why it is highly important to take time for yourself
and focus on what is going on inside your head and around you.

This, btw. has nothing to do with being selfish!
Practising self-love is just as important as loving others!
Self-love also means that you accept yourself the way you are.
Very critical to live a happy life!

When people close to you, tell you that you have changed and that it worries them, it's still up to you to take the helping hand. Something that is not easy because most people look at it as a weakness, and think they should be able to help themselves.
Mostly how men react like this because of their silly upbringing.

It doesn't mean you should listen to everything friends say, but maybe give it at least a thought, especially when it comes from somebody you value.

Luckily, more and more people are taking depressions as the serious illness it is, but the number is still too small.

The only way to make this better is through education and people talking openly about it!

We just entered 2024, and though I stopped therapy in April last year, I still read books and try to learn more about it, and with that about myself.
I still have other issues to work on, and here comes the good part, the progress of getting to know yourself better, never ends.
How sad and boring life would be, if we stop learning!